


Operation Baby

by hidingupatreeorsomething



Series: On the Shore of the Wide World Series [6]
Category: Homeland
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-07-27 06:29:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16213391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidingupatreeorsomething/pseuds/hidingupatreeorsomething
Summary: In this fic - Quinn and Julia welcome baby Katy to the family. I was part way throughScenes from the Shorewhen I started this story, but it was bigger than I thought, so is getting a work of its own. After this little detour, Scenes resumes withChapter 17: Two Worlds. It's all part of theOn the Shore of the Wide WorldAU, in which Quinn survived the 6.12 shooting and went off to find Julia and Johnny. At first he just wanted to get to know his son, but in time he and Julia grew close again, and now he's learning how to be a family man - a father and a partner. And now, learning how to deal with the arrival of a newborn baby daughter...





	1. A baby?

_Julia and Quinn, lying on the sofa together. Glasses of wine, full stomachs, both sleepy and happy, their favourite way to end the day – a day that ends like this, is a day where Julia’s not had a long shift, where Quinn’s not retired early feeling ill or sore or tired or depressed: A day that has folded in all the right places._

_Talking about their days, laughing as they share stories about Johnny – Quinn may have been late on the scene, but he makes up for it by seeing so much of his son now, always has some funny story from the day, and Julia reciprocates with a story from his earlier childhood – a blissful, relaxed way to mend some of the gaps in their family history, to heal._

_She’s lying on her back on top of Quinn, laughing. He puts his hand on her tummy, and laughs -_

QUINN – Oh God...I love how your belly moves when you laugh...

_He laughs, which makes her laugh, which makes her belly move, which makes him laugh again... they lie there for a while doing this, until her laughter finally subsides and she sighs happily, her hands over his hand, spread across her belly._

_She looks down at it._

_Thinks for a moment._

JULIA – You ever think...

QUINN – What?

JULIA – About putting a little baby in here?

_He’s surprised._

_Sits up a little._

QUINN – Do you?

JULIA – Yeah.

_She rolls round to look at him._

JULIA – We could.

I mean... maybe. I’m not as young as I was, but I’m not over the hill yet.

QUINN – Huh. Yeah.

JULIA – Just... I think about it sometimes. Always figured we’d have another, way back when. Then I got used to it being just me and Johnny.

Me and Roger talked about it but I don’t think he was ever serious.

Makes me feel sad to think that I might never have another baby. But it’s a big gap. Ten, eleven years apart, it’s not like they’d play together all day. Might just be a lot of hard work.

_She finally makes herself stop babbling, stop covering up his silence._

What you thinking?

_He smiles, places his hand back over her belly._

QUINN – I dunno.

I dunno.

_They lie there quietly a little while. She figures she’s talked enough, doesn’t want to talk over him, but he’s quiet too. Eventually...._

QUINN – Might be nice. We should think.

JULIA – Sure.

_She kisses him, snuggles in for a cuddle, waits to see if he’ll say any more, but he doesn’t._

\----

_It’s months later – after Julia’s birthday weekend at the spa – when she has to leap out of bed and run to the bathroom to throw up for the first time._

_Quinn is oblivious, worried that she’s sick. She lies back down, gulping deep breaths of air, thinking it’s probably a bug, but something at the back of her mind racing. She persuades Quinn to go off and get Johnny up for school, so she can lie there and think._

_She’s been taking the pill as ever, but she wouldn’t be the first woman to get pregnant while on the pill. Someone's gotta be in that one per cent. Wishes she’d pushed Quinn more before now to talk about the idea of a baby so she’d have an idea what he really thought.  
_

_When it happens again the next morning, she just knows, with stone cold certainty, that she’s pregnant. Doesn’t tell him straight off, buys a pregnancy test during the day._

_Quinn goes off to lie down early shortly after dinner and she curses inwardly, thinking he might be asleep before she gets up there. But when she goes in, he’s sitting in bed, reading._

JULIA – Hey, how you feeling?

QUINN – Yeah, OK, just tired.

How are _you_? Your tummy really better?

_She sits on the bed, touched by his innocence, but also worried by what he might say._

JULIA – Johnny...

_He looks at her, curious..._

I think I might be pregnant.

_His eyebrows shoot up to the top of his forehead._

_His jaw drops._

QUINN – Oh!

Really?

_He realises - the early morning sickness._

Oh. Of course. I mean... aren’t you...

JULIA – I’m on the pill. But it happens, occasionally. I mean, I might be wrong...

_She knows - just knows - that she’s not._

Anyway. I bought a kit, so....

_He nods slowly, mouth open, taking it in._

QUINN – Holy cow. OK. You wanna do it?

JULIA – Yeah. I gotta go pee on it, then we wait three minutes.

QUINN – OK.

_She stands, goes through to the bathroom, sits on the toilet, takes it out of the packet and holds it down between her legs, marvelling that such a messy, inauspicious act should be the universal herald of new life._

_Finishes, shakes it off, wipes, and goes back through._

_Sits on the bed, holding it._

JULIA – I gotta put it out of sight.... I can’t just watch.

_She hides it in the nightstand, sets the timer on her watch._

_Climbs up beside him on the bed. She’s on his left side, picks his arm up and places his hand gently in her lap so she can scooch in close to him._

QUINN – You OK?

JULIA – Yeah. I don’t know what to think.

QUINN – Yeah. How long now?

JULIA – 2 minutes 30.

_They sit, side by side, lost in their own thoughts, until the alarm goes off. She switches it off. Looks at him._

JULIA – Ready?

_He smiles tentatively._

QUINN – No.

_She reaches down for it, brings it up and holds it between them. Two blue lines._

_She looks up at him, an uncontrollable grin spreading across her face. He looks blank._

QUINN – Which is it?

JULIA – I’m pregnant.

_He stares at her. It won’t sink in. He feels frozen, doesn’t know what to do or say, his brain just won’t move._

_She starts to cry, still grinning, but also looking at him, willing him to smile back at her._

_Several beats pass, probably only a few seconds but feels like a lifetime for both of them..._

 

_then..._

 

_finally..._

 

QUINN – Oh God...

_Suddenly a wall of emotion hits him and he has no idea what emotion it is, but it’s enough to bring them together - he smiles and cries all at once, reaches up and hugs her to him, feels so utterly protective of her, wants to keep her in the circle of his arm forever and hold her safe, kisses the top of her head, feels like this woman, his love, always the strongest woman in the world to him, is suddenly made of porcelain and he has to keep her safe._

_Eventually they pull apart a little and he looks down at her, still all at sea, no idea what’s going on in his head but wanting to get it right._

QUINN – A baby?

_She grins again and nods, leans in and hugs him again as he breathes and breathes and breathes and tries to make his brain work this out._


	2. When history repeats...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to parental bliss is not smooth - there's a baby on the way, but it's time for a showdown between Julia and Quinn - he has to face his fears - and face the past.

_Quinn’s sitting on the side of the bed, staring at the floor. He came up to get ready for bed, but has been sat there for ten minutes without moving, lost in thought. Julia comes in._

JULIA – You OK?

_He starts._

QUINN – Yeah. Yeah.

_Leans down to pull his socks off._

_Julia looks serious. Comes and sits in the chair by the bed, looking at him._

JULIA – Johnny.

QUINN – Yeah?

JULIA – What is it?

QUINN – What?

JULIA – You tell me. You’ve hardly spoken to me today. Every day since we found out I was pregnant, you say less and less. What’s going on?

_He looks at his feet._

_A long silence._

JULIA – Is it the baby?

_He still stares at his feet._

JULIA – You gotta talk to me, Johnny. If you don’t want this, you have to say.

QUINN – I just… ( _shakes his head)._

_She is near the end of her tether. She’s used to putting up with the time it takes him sometimes to think, to speak, to work out what he’s feeling. But frankly, she is right out of patience. She wants him to be as overjoyed as she is with the news of the baby, but he’s just closing down and she really doesn’t have time for his shit now. After months of helping him, with a baby now growing inside of her, she’s about ready to start putting herself first for a change._

JULIA – Do I have to guess? Just fucking say it. Whatever it is can't be worse than this silence.

QUINN – I… don't think I can do it.

JULIA – Do what?

_Now it's his turn to be pissed off. Why doesn't she get it? Isn't it obvious? He grabs his left wrist with his right hand, lifts his paralysed hand and arm up in front of her, shakes it at her._

QUINN – What the fuck do you think? Look at me. Look at this. How can I look after a baby?

JULIA – Johnny...

QUINN – How do I… p-p-pick it up, change a diaper, feed it, all that shit? I can’t do it. And what if I have a seizure while I’m holding it? Drop it, fall on it. And no sleep. My… _(points at his head in frustration, looking for the word…)_ in here. Can't think, can't talk with no sleep. If it's really no sleep, then seizures, flashbacks. What if that happens when I'm looking after it? What if it screams and I get a flashback? I'm the worst possible father. Physically, mentally, every way.

JULIA – This has all been going on inside of you all week, and you couldn't say anything?

_He looks down at himself, rubs the back of his hand._

QUINN – It's... all of me. All the things that are wrong... they're _more_ wrong if we have a baby. I was just starting to think I was all right, I can do what I need to do, but now... all my broken things matter again, more.

_She sighs. It’s a heart-rending admission from him, but just as Johnny has always been her number one priority, now the baby joins him in first place. She’s not going to allow self pity, or even justifiable sorrow, from Quinn to intrude into this conversation. Practicalities first._

JULIA – Well. You know people with all kinds of disabilities have kids. You cannot be the first. Can’t we just ask for help and see what's out there before we decide it’s impossible?

I mean… firstly, all that stuff only matters when they’re really small. You can parent Johnny just fine. And let’s face it, I got _him_ through that time on my own. I can do it again if I have to.

QUINN – No. I don’t want you having to raise another child on your own because I’m too shit to be father.

JULIA – You’re not shit. And I’m not saying that. I’m saying we know we could cope in the absolute worst case scenario where I had to do most of the parenting for a while. Everything you could do, would be a bonus on last time. And actually, I don’t think it would be as bad as you think. I think you’re panicking. Freaking out a little. Every father does.

QUINN – You don’t know how it feels to be like me. Know I can’t do stuff. Be scared I might hurt someone. When I lose it, seizures, flashbacks, I have no idea. I can’t control it. Babies are so tiny.

_She moves over to sit beside him on the bed._

JULIA – If we could wave a magic wand tomorrow and give you back your health, would you want this baby?

QUINN – Yes. Yes yes yes. But we can’t, Ju. We can’t do that. No wand.

JULIA – OK. So let’s work things out first. Educate ourselves. They got… what, occupational therapists at the hospital?

QUINN – Yup.

JULIA – So let’s ask. Make an appointment with your doctor, tell him what’s going on. Be honest with him about everything you’re worried about and see what he says.

If he says “No way, you can’t raise a baby,” then fine. But I don’t think he will. I think he’ll say – it’s good you’re concerned. Here’s someone who can show you how to change a diaper with one hand, this is what I think about dealing with your seizures.

We can’t be the first Johnny, we just can’t. And if we have to accept help sometimes to fill the gaps, that's not a problem. That's not a reason not to have a child that we both want.

\----

_A few days later._

_He sits on the front step. Still his default place to go when things are bad. They’ve talked about building a porch, putting a comfortable chair out there, somewhere he’d actually enjoy being when he feels rough – Steve’s gonna come over with a couple of guys from the hardware store where he works, get them a quote. But for now, Quinn just sits on the step. Leans his left side against the corner post for support and stares out at the street._

_He loves Julia so much. Hates being at odds with her. But also feels like she’s running away with things, making plans without accounting for him. Like maybe she’s never “got” him as much as he thought, doesn’t actually really understand what it’s like being him, stuck with the body and the mind he now has. Feels betrayed, distanced from her._

_Closes his eyes and listens to the trees. His favourite thing to do. Seems to free his brain from its moorings, let his thoughts roam more freely._

_He tries to calm his breathing, let his mind wander._

_Finds it turning up snapshots of Julia, jumbled, out of order, moments of their life together - as if his subconscious is flicking through its filing system, trying to understand this latest stumbling block, to square the circle, work out how their relationship suddenly seems to be so painfully out of joint._

\--

Standing in the bedroom of the apartment they shared first time around – Julia’s apartment, he’d moved in, never quite felt it was his own – staring at the pile of baby clothes and blankets growing by the day on the dresser as Julia shopped for Johnny’s arrival, panic rising in his throat, looking out the window – literally at the horizon – and feeling himself freeze inside.

\--

Julia visiting him at the VA, the unbelievable happiness of seeing her walk through the door of the dayroom as he sat, cloaked in clouds of greyness, in his wheelchair. Her arms reaching up to hold him when he cried, enveloping him in her softness, her smell, her comfort.

\--

The first time he ever saw her, across the bar. A basement dive near her precinct, out drinking with her work buddies, him alone on a stool, time to kill before the next call from Dar, drinking to try and lift his low mood. Next time she came to the bar she stood on her tiptoes to be heard by the bar tender, right next to him, and his tummy flipped over. They talked, each of them trying to act cooler than the other, pretending to be smart, hard, sharp. Him buying her a drink but being, in reality, so in awe of her that his fingers slipped, he spilt it, thank God, she’d laughed, mopped at him with the bar towel, their hard crusts both suddenly broken open and suddenly able to be sweet, stupid, adorable with each other in a way neither of them had been with anyone before.

\--

Julia helping him write to Helen for the first time, sitting with him at the kitchen table in his house next door, encouraging him to open up, to lay himself bare, making him feel safe enough to do it. Going above and beyond – working on those letters together the first time they had really come close again after co-parenting at arm’s length. Then driving him to meet his mom in the park, Julia waiting in the car for as long as it took, seeing the relief on her face as he walked back into the parking lot arm and arm with Helen, both beaming with joy.

\--

Going to see her at the playpark after he shot the kid in Caracas. Knowing she had, once, been his true safety net, hoping she might, possibly, still catch him, save him from the endless freefall he was in. Feeling her fingers curl into his as she realised his distress and reached gently for his hand.

\--

Walking back from her house to his after that first kiss in the kitchen, the first time after his stroke that it occurred to him he might not be a walking disaster area. Every romantic cliché at once buoying him back to his door – his feet on clouds, fireworks exploding, birds singing and the sun and the moon and the stars all out at once.

\--

And one more – Julia cradling Johnny in her arms in the hospital, exhausted and smiling, too tired and happy to shoo Quinn away when he turned up out of the blue, bearing Scrappy the bear as a gift for his baby son. Letting him take a photo with the Polaroid camera she’d brought with her, and then scrawling something on the bottom, handing it back and making him promise not to read it until he had left the hospital. Sitting in the parking lot, pulling the photo out of his pocket, and reading,

**XoX forever, Julia and John Jr  
**

and crying, right there in broad daylight, at the immensity of what he’d turned his back on.

\--

_A sudden shot of adrenaline to his heart. It hurts. He loves her so much. She’s loved him so much, shown it so many times. A decade of regret he’s lived for walking out, for missing her, for missing his beloved son and the years they could all have shared._

_What the fuck is he doing?_

_What the **fuck** is he doing?_

_Gets up, quickly as he can manage, and goes to the living room. A sense of urgency, throws the cushions around as he searches for his tablet. Eventually locates it, sits, flips up the cover, puts it on his lap and starts tapping._

\----

_A little later. Maybe 20, 30 minutes. Julia walks through the house._

JULIA – Johnny? John, you in here?

_She looks into the living room. He’s there, completely gripped by whatever he’s watching on his tablet._

JULIA – Johnny!

_He looks up in surprise._

JULIA – I’ve been calling you.

QUINN – Sorry.

_He points at the tablet._

QUINN – Look at this…

JULIA – What is it?

QUINN – This guy. Look…

_He scrolls back a little, shows her, a video of a man with one arm, demonstrating how to change his baby’s diaper. Cheerful, adept, matter of fact._

_She sits down next to him. She’s half watching the video, half looking at Quinn, the look of rapt attention on his face as he watches the guy, who’s leaning in to the baby, using his chest, shoulder, head, in places, to keep the baby still, wielding the tot and all the tools of the parenting trade almost as comfortably and confidently as anyone else – and laughing good-naturedly at the bits that go wrong. The baby giggling and smiling._

QUINN – There's loads of them. He does… changing clothes, feeding. Has a bottle holder you put over your shoulder, hold the baby in one hand, feed it with that. He’s amazing.

_She gazes at him, his whole face lit up. Like a cartoon character who's just opened a treasure chest and been illuminated by the contents._

_Smiles, and can’t help herself – leans in and hugs him._

JULIA – Oh, Johnny, I’m so pleased. You think you can do this stuff?

_He nods._

QUINN – Well if he can… I mean.. I got my other arm, it’s not great, but I can hold stuff between my elbow and my side, that’s more than he has going for him, and he’s totally happy doing it.

JULIA – Brilliant.

And I’ve been thinking. Maybe it's good you kept your house. When the tenants move out, we could keep it empty a while. Give you a bolt hole. If you need to go next door, catch up on sleep sometimes, you've got a bedroom away from the baby.

QUINN – Then you'd have to do it.

JULIA – Well, I think I can manage. And you know the other thing is, we should speak to Carmen. I don't know how busy she is these days now we don't need her for Johnny – she kept talking about retirement, but I know she LOVES babies.

She knows us, she knows you - I mean, she's already taught you how to parent one kid. I figure if your pride can take having anyone in to help us it's her. If the doctor says you shouldn’t be alone with the baby because of your seizures, or if you’re just scared to do it, she could help. She might even come and do the odd overnight if we need it.

_He sits back and looks at her. A smile threatening to break out on his face, but also some tears ready. They might actually be able to do this. A whole world is suddenly opening out in front of him. Where, before, there was just another gloomy reminder of his incapacity, there's a new life of learning to raise a child from birth._

QUINN – Shit.

Are we gonna do this?

JULIA – I think we are.

_He smiles, a tear spilling out onto his cheek._

QUINN – Yeah. I think so too.

_They hug._

_\----_


	3. Operation baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so, to business...

_Operation Baby is underway._

_There’s a whiteboard propped up in the bedroom where Quinn can write down everything that occurs to him as a problem or a worry, and as they go to bed each night they look at it and decide what to do about each one, write notes in different colours._

_He suggested the board as a joke after finding himself coining the phrase “operation baby” almost by accident one day, and Julia thought it was a great idea. He amuses himself during their evening reviews by pacing about in front of the board, pen in hand, like Peter Quinn would have done in front of a CIA ops room. And man, it’s incredible - even though he's discussing things that scare him, the whole set up makes him feel in control and in charge, at least for a few moments at a time. And Julia’s started adding her own worries to the board too, rather than just soldiering on. He loves that it gives him the chance to help her, not just the other way around._

_They’ve seen Quinn’s doctor, who congratulated them, started talking with them about their concerns. Said this wasn’t a one-stop-shop, he’d keep advising them as much as they needed. Quinn has occupational therapy appointments lined up to help him prepare for the practical issues of one-handed parenting; His seizures are considered controlled, as long as he takes his meds, so they have to be certain he’s on top of his drug regime, but as long as they have that in order, things should be OK. Severe fatigue could be a seizure risk, even on his meds, and the PTSD could be difficult. But the doctor's impressed by their contingency plans – he’s not met many parents-in-preparation who have a spare house on hand to give them extra space when they need it. He sees them off by shaking both their hands and affirming his confidence that they’ll be great parents to the new arrival._

_They’re driving home, chatting ten-to-the-dozen and laughing, like school kids coming out of an exam, the tension suddenly lifted and emotions bubbling over._

JULIA - So, we should get in touch with Carmen, I guess. Beg her to un-retire.

QUINN - Yeah. Definitely.

JULIA - Want me to do it?

QUINN - Can I?

_She turns to him, surprised – he’s not a fan of phone calls.  
_

JULIA - Sure. You want to?

QUINN - Yeah, I’d like to. Go round. I know I got Helen now for my mom, but I kind of feel like Carmen’s one too. The amount she’s done for me. I just… I can’t wait to see her face.

_Julia smiles._

JULIA - Of course. Enjoy yourself.

_He grins too. Starts humming happily._

_She’s never, it occurs to her, heard him hum before._

\----

_He’s texted Carmen, arranged to pop round._

_She answers the door cheerfully, trying to hide her burning curiosity._

_Quinn’s there with a bunch of flowers._

QUINN - Hey.

CARMEN - Johnny! Great to see you. Come on in.

QUINN - Thank you. Oh. For you.

_He holds them out awkwardly._

CARMEN - Oh, you didn’t have to do that. Thank you.

_He leans in and kisses her on the cheek. She fusses over the flowers then raises an eyebrow._

CARMEN - Now what have you done? Are these an apology? Should I be worried?

_He smiles. Holds his hand up, palm out, to proclaim his innocence._

QUINN - No. No, nothing, Promise. It’s all good.

_They walk through, make a little small talk, chat about Johnny, as she pours them each a coffee and puts the flowers in a vase, they move to the living room to sit._

CARMEN - Now… to what do I owe the pleasure?

_He starts to smile. She raises one eyebrow._

QUINN - So… Julia wanted to come too, but… you know, work and stuff.

CARMEN - Sure.

QUINN - Thing is...

_He rubs his sweaty palm on his knee – he’s so excited._

We’re having a baby.

_Her face flings open into a wide mask of delight – mouth open, eyebrows up – it’s a moment before she can vocalise her delight – and when she does, it’s a squeal -_

CARMEN - Ohhhhhh!!!!!!

_She jumps up, dashes across to him and wraps her arms around him, Quinn laughing as he gets pulled into the whirlpool. She pulls back, arms on his shoulders, looks him in the face._

CARMEN - Johnny!

_Places a hand on each of his cheeks, leans forward and kisses him on the forehead._

CARMEN - Johnny!!!!

_She sits next to him on the sofa._

CARMEN - I am so happy for you! That’s wonderful!

QUINN - Thank you.

CARMEN - How’s Julia? Tell me everything.

_And so he does. The whole works, including the ugly bits – his fears, his freak-out – as he talks about those, she leans forward, looking him intently in the eye, saying nothing, but nodding compassionately, and at one point reaching out to hold his hand. Until he has her right up-to-date._

QUINN - And so… we kind of wondered….

CARMEN - Yes.

QUINN - Oh?

CARMEN - Whatever you’re going to ask, yes!

QUINN - Helping us care for the baby? Helping me? With everything I’ve got going on?

CARMEN - You bet. You know, retirement’s not all it’s cracked up to be! I’m a little bored. And you know I love a baby. And a challenge. Normal babysitting? Ahhh… too easy. But helping you find your feet? That, I would enjoy.

QUINN - That’s amazing. I mean... it could be… tough.

_He looks at the floor a moment._

QUINN - I’d have to ask you to look out for me too. If I get really tired, might get a seizure. Or… I dunno. Flashback. Something. Don't know how it's gonna pan out.

_She speaks softly._

CARMEN - I think I can deal with that. I mean, my nursing years are a long way behind me, but I think I’ll manage if I have to.

_She takes his hand again._

CARMEN - I’ll look after you. Both. As much as you need it. And not if you don’t.

_He looks up at her, smiles tenderly._

QUINN - Thank you.

_She puts an arm round his shoulders, pulls him to her and rests the side of her head against his._

CARMEN - You’re going to be a wonderful father to this little one, Johnny. And I’m so touched that you asked me.


	4. Scenes from a Pregnancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter piecing together moments that need to be shared - scenes and scraps, large and small, overwhelming and underwhelming by turns.

JULIA – Hey, you know this scan we have next week?

QUINN – Yeah.

JULIA – This is the one they can tell us boy or girl. If we want to know. 

QUINN – Oh! Oh great.

JULIA – You wanna know?

_He doesn’t want to sway her._

QUINN – Do you?

JULIA – You say first.

QUINN – Yeah. I really wanna know. Not knowing is... weird. In here. _(Taps his head)_ Makes me feel fuzzy. My brain. Would be good to be able to think about a boy or a girl. 

JULIA – Sure. I’m OK with that.

QUINN – You sure?

JULIA – Yeah. Be exciting. And we can tell Johnny.

\----

_Julia lying back, her belly out, the sonographer rubbing gel over it. The screen is pointed towards the sonographer, so they can’t see it._

SONOGRAPHER – OK. I’m going to do my thing first. I won’t talk to you while I’m looking at everything that I need to check - I’m going to go right the way through what I need to do, and then after I’m done, I’ll talk to you – OK? 

JULIA – Sure.

_Quinn reaches down and takes her hand, squeezes it. They both watch the sonographer as she works in silence. Eventually…_

SONOGRAPHER – So.

Everything looks good. From everything I can see today, your baby looks healthy.

_They both sigh with relief and smile._

And you wanted to know what you’re having…

 _She turns the screen towards them._

This… is a little baby girl! 

_They both gasp. Julia looks at Quinn, his eyes are trained on the screen. The head, so clear. The tiny, tiny, heart, beating incessantly. He whispers._

QUINN – Baby girl? 

_He looks at Julia, and suddenly wells up, tears brim over and down his face as he looks back and forth between Julia and the screen again and again, completely overwhelmed. Something so exquisite seems so impossible. Yet here they all are, there’s his baby girl on the screen, in Julia’s belly. His baby girl. It’s happening. She's real._

_The tears keep coming, he wipes his nose with the back of his hand._

JULIA – Oh, honey! _(To the sonographer)_ Do you have a tissue? 

SONOGRAPHER – Of course.

\---- 

_In the car home…_

QUINN – I’m sorry I... kind of lost it in there.

JULIA – It was lovely. When our baby girl grows up, I’m gonna tell her how her daddy cried the first time he saw her. 

_He wells up again, it’s like the words baby girl have a Pavlovian effect on him._

JULIA – Oh, honey, don’t!

_She laughs and he laughs too, wiping his cheek._

JULIA – You know, we can tell people now.

QUINN – Sure.

JULIA – Johnny. And both our moms.

QUINN – Oh, yeah. 

_He gives her a sidelong glance, admits his suspicion._

QUINN – Does your mom know already?

_She looks sheepish._

JULIA – Oh. I might’ve told her. I just… needed to.

QUINN – That’s OK. I get it. Whatever you need.

JULIA – But she’ll be so happy she can tell the rest of the world at last. And I’m sure you’ll get a strict talking to, masquerading as a casual chat, about what she expects of you.

QUINN – Great.

JULIA – She means well.

_He smiles._

QUINN – I know. It’s fine.

\----

_Julia and Quinn on the sofa, Johnny on a stool in front of them._

JULIA – So, honey, we have some news to tell you.

_Johnny looks stricken – looks at Quinn_

JOHNNY – Are you going away?

QUINN – No – No, no, no, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here. Always.

JOHNNY – Really?

QUINN – Yeah. I’m staying here.

_There’s a pause. They weren’t expecting that._

_Quinn can’t bear it, has to fill the space with something better._

QUINN – But – we’re gonna have a baby. You’re gonna have a little sister.

_He looks back and forth between both of them. Can’t quite compute._

JOHNNY – Oh.

_A pause._

JOHNNY – But you’re… _old!_

JULIA – Hey! Not so much of that. We’re not too old for a baby. She’s in here right now, growing away.

_He looks at her tummy._

JOHNNY – Oh. OK.

JULIA – She’ll be here in about six months.

_He nods, a level expression on his face._

JOHNNY – Cool.

QUINN – So we gotta take extra good care of mom, because being pregnant’s hard work. She’s growing a whole new human with her body. 

JOHNNY – OK. Do I have to do something now?

QUINN – No. No, you don’t.

JOHNNY – OK. Can I go play with Louis?

JULIA – Of course, honey.

_He gets up and runs out.  
_

_They look at each other, nonplussed for a moment, then laugh._

QUINN – Well… that went OK… I guess

JULIA – I don’t think he got it. Exactly.

QUINN – Six months is a long time.

JULIA – Yeah. He’ll get it soon enough.

\----

_Quinn arrives home from his first OT session. He’s carrying a large bag he didn’t have when he left. Julia’s sitting in the kitchen, he goes in._

JULIA – Hey! How was it?

QUINN – Good.

_He plonks the bag on the table theatrically._

JULIA – What’s that?

_He smirks. Reaches into it. Brings out… a doll. Puts it on the table._

JULIA – Woah!

_Reaches back in. Brings out a small pile of diapers. Then dips in again – a onesie. A hat. A tiny pair of socks._

JULIA – Wow. You gotta practice?

QUINN – Yup. Long time since I had homework.

_She picks up the doll._

JULIA – Oh – she’s heavy.

QUINN – Yeah. Made to be as real as possible. Except the crying. And the moving, I guess.

_She looks down at the doll’s face._

JULIA – Kind of creepy, actually. 

QUINN – You don’t want me leaving her in your bed at night, then?

JULIA – Don’t _even_ …


	5. She's gonna need a name

_Another sofa night. This time she’s lying on the sofa, he’s on the floor alongside it, head at the opposite end so they can see each other. He’s stretching out, finds the floor supports his back better when it’s sore, has a cushion under his head, tired, but chilled and chatting with Julia._

_She lowers her arm over the edge of the sofa and beckons._

JULIA – C’mere. Gimme your foot.

_He lifts it a little – can’t get it right up, but she reaches down, lifts it up to her. She pushes up his trouser leg, unstraps his splint, pulls off his sock, drops them on the floor. Starts to rub and massage his leg and foot. Knows they're always stiff, especially by evening. He closes his eyes and groans, equal parts pain and pleasure, as she hits the tight spots around his ankle, up through his calf. The parts that do so much work to keep him steady, that he lacks fine control over, that lock up tight by the end of the day.  
_

_She watches his face. Eases off when he winces, works away in silence until he finally opens his eyes again, the worst of the pain over. She gazes at him._

JULIA – So. Mister. We’re having a baby.

QUINN – I believe so.

_He smiles.  
_

JULIA – She’s gonna need a name.

QUINN – Yeah.

_He nods. Thinks._

Big question. A whole life with it.

JULIA – Well, not for all of us.

_He smirks._

QUINN – Yeah. Though I think…. my Peter years kind of happened to someone else. Feels like that sometimes.

_She strokes right down his calf, smiles._

JULIA – I think that’s probably a good thing.

QUINN – Yeah.

JULIA – You had any others?

QUINN – Names? Oh, yeah.

JULIA – Really? How many?

QUINN – Oh God, I dunno. New one every mission for a while, with the group. Guess Peter just stuck.

JULIA – So… how did you end up keeping Quinn and ditching Johnny?

_He gives her a look. Doesn’t really want to delve into that other life right now._

JULIA – Sorry. OK. Forget it.

Baby names.

QUINN – You got any ideas?

JULIA – My mom’s mom was Catalina. Spanish version of Katherine. I always liked that.

QUINN – Yeah. Nice.

JULIA – She was an amazing woman. Encouraged me to join the force when my mom was telling me to go work in an office.

QUINN – Could be Katy.

_She smiles._

JULIA – I like that.

QUINN – Yeah. It sounds.... kind of happy. Carefree.

JULIA – Well that’s definitely on the list, then. Top of the list.

You got anyone? I mean... sorry, I know you don’t have a lot of people.

QUINN – Actually... Yeah.

_He looks at her thoughtfully for a moment._

How about Katherine Astrid Quinn Diaz?

_She looks at him tenderly. She knows about Astrid._

JULIA – Beautiful.

_He smiles._

QUINN – Yeah.

_She looks down, rubs her fingers over her belly._

JULIA – I think you just got yourself a name, little girl.

 

 


	6. Julia's Coda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Coda](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12250818) came at the end of the original work in this series, [On the Shore of the Wide World](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11570763): The story of how Quinn finally broke cover and revealed to Carrie that he was alive. At that point, it was a leap into the future, with Julia seven months pregnant – the first time we found out that they’d one day have another baby. So I thought I’d like to slot it into this narrative again now that we’ve arrived in this era – this time around, from Julia’s perspective. If you’ve not read the original Coda, it’s probably worth reading it before this, as that’s where the real heart of this episode lies – this version just throws light in some of the shadows, lets us see it all from Julia’s point of view.

_A cool, but sunny day in Philadelphia. Julia and Quinn finishing breakfast, sipping their coffees. Johnny’s still in his bed – the first glimpse of his teenage years on the horizon in the form of his newly-found love of a lie-in at the weekends._

_Julia gets up to go get the mail, out the door, down the path to the mailbox. Grabs a handful of gaudy flyers from the box and heads back inside, flicking through them. She almost misses it, but between the junk is a small brown envelope, addressed by hand – and, extraordinarily, addressed to Quinn. That’s a first._

_She walks back in the house with the mail. Slings the junk on the counter. Tosses the hand-written envelope to Quinn._

JULIA - Intriguing.

_He frowns. Unexpected hand-written letters are never good news when you’re a man in hiding, with no friends. Opens it._

_Julia sits back down and sips her coffee. Watches Quinn out of the corner of her eye, trying not to be obvious but dying of curiosity._

_His brow is furrowed as he reads. He stares at the page for a long time. Eventually folds the page back in half, shoves it into his pocket. Picks up his coffee again._

JULIA – Anything exciting?

_He shrugs._

_They sit in silence for a while._

QUINN - I’m gonna go wake Johnny. It’s late.

_He gets up and leaves the room._

\----

_Later that day. They’re walking around the store, grocery shopping. Johnny’s run off somewhere. She’s staring at the list, trying to work out what they need next. Quinn’s standing next to her. Out of the blue…_

QUINN – That letter. It was from Max. CIA guy. Kinda.

JULIA – Oh.

_A pause._

Everything OK?

_Another pause._

QUINN – Carrie saw a picture of me online. The Mummers Parade. Must’ve been in a crowd picture. He told her it wasn’t me, but she knows. She’ll work it out.

JULIA – Oh. Is that gonna be a problem?

_He shrugs._

_She looks at him. His chin is jutting out, he’s pursing his lips together, staring intently at the shelves beside him, away from her. It’s clearly a massive problem._

\----

_Three days later. 5am. Julia wakes. The bed next to her is empty. Reaches across. Not even warm. She gets up, walks into the living room. Quinn is sat on a hard chair, pulled up to the window, staring out at the creeping dawn._

JULIA - You OK?

_He jumps, was deep in thought._

QUINN - I just… needed the bathroom.

_They both know that’s not true. She pulls up a chair, sits facing him._

JULIA - You should probably talk to me about it. Because by my reckoning you haven’t slept for three nights now, and that’s pretty much perfect conditions for you to have a seizure. Nobody wants that.

_She sits back and waits. She's become good at waiting. It’s not just his slower cognition – it’s the fact he finds openness so difficult, yet – for the first time in his life – is trying to get to grips with it. A long silence as he arranges his thoughts. So long that she eventually offers an opening of her own._

Do you wanna see her?

QUINN - No. No. I don’t. But what if… She could turn up here. I can’t… She can’t come here. _Poison_ this…

_He waves his hand around him, indicates their home._

JULIA - Poison? That’s pretty strong.

_He looks at her. Shrugs. That’s how he feels._

I thought you guys were close?

QUINN - We were. I don’t… we were. But she was… she always pulled me back in. Every single time I tried to leave the CIA, she called me and begged me back. She… _had_ me. I mean… Christ, I spent years trying to leave, Jule – _years_. And I only got out when she finally thought I was dead, what does that tell you?

JULIA - But you’re not the man you were. You’re stronger. She pulled you back before because you had nothing else.

_She touches her heavily-pregnant belly._

Now you have a family. A home. A life worth living. You are not the man she used to know, you have something that makes it worth resisting.

_He chews on this thumbnail. No answer._

Do you feel guilty? For putting her through your death?

_He shrugs._

QUINN - Maybe.

JULIA - Because if I’ve got it right, you two are pretty much quits right now.

She woke you from a coma, nearly killed you, and lied to you about it. You let her think you were dead so you could escape to a better life without her. I don’t know which one of those really has the moral high ground, because they’re both pretty fucked up, both pretty symbolic of the screwed up life you used to lead.

Maybe this is a chance to lose the last of your shadows. Come clean with her. Tell her you’re alive, but you’re not hers any more. You’re not _theirs_ any more. Walk away, no more secrets, then come back here and live the life you’ve _chosen_ to lead.

If you don’t want her to come here, go see her.

_He exhales. Buries his face in his hand. Julia has come to the same conclusion in two short minutes that he’s been resisting for the past three nights._

\----

_She said she’d help him pack for the trip. He’s stressed and it affects his cognition, so she’s sorted his meds for the next few days, put them all in the box with its slots, days and times marked, slides it into his bag along with his change of clothes. Thinks for a moment. Gets up and stands at the top of the stairs, listens out. She can hear him talking to Johnny downstairs. Playing a board game._

_Goes back into the bedroom. Looks around for a piece of paper, a pen. Quinn has a notebook by the bed, uses it to write down things that he wants to remember. She tears out a page, sits on the edge of the bed and thinks. Writes._

> Johnny
> 
> Whatever’s happened by the time you read this, don’t be scared. Johnny and I are at home, waiting for you. You have a place where you belong. We love you, and miss you, and when you’re done we’ll still be here, waiting, to welcome you home. You can do this.
> 
> I love you
> 
> Julia xox

_She folds the page in two, writes his name on the outside and slips it into the top of the bag. Zips the bag closed._

_Feels like she did the first time she waved Johnny off to camp. Only she knew Johnny would have a ball when he was away._

_She’s not worried about Quinn seeing Carrie, not in the romantic sense. She trusts him. Well - she doesn’t need to trust him - she KNOWS him. Has seen behind the scenery. Knows his front, back, and insides._

_But she’s worried that he won’t be able to deal with the emotional onslaught. There’s no way of knowing how Carrie will react, and he struggles to cope with wild, overwhelming emotions. She’s been trying to steer her mind away from what-ifs but they keep coming back. He could melt down - if he feels out of control, his heart pounds, his breathing races, then suddenly it’s a panic attack, then he’s on the floor in a flashback, terrified and helpless and miles from home. Or he goes the other way, sits alone and frozen for hours on a park bench because his system can’t cope, switches off, powers down._

_She knows they’re worst case scenarios, but they’re not impossible. She’s been feeling sick all day.  
_

_She's cared for him so much. Might have started out hands off, determined not to get overly involved in his complicated needs, but she has drawn, step by step, so much closer over the months. Even before they got back together. From the day she asked if he'd like to move next door so she could help if he needed her; from the day he started to look for his mom and her heart ached for him; the day she sat down beside him to work on his first letter to Helen. And now, of course, sharing their lives. Drawing closer, helping more._

_Not just in the dramatic moments – holding him through trauma or tears – but also in the most unobtrusive ways she can. Keeps his meds in order. Takes up childcare when he needs to rest. Sends him off to lie down herself, sometimes, when he’s grouchy or being stoical through pain. Puts his things where she knows he’ll find them. Writes lists.  
_

_She’s cared for him so much. But now he has to go and do this, and do it alone. There’s absolutely no way she can contribute._

_There’s nothing she can do but let him go._

\----

_7pm that evening. Julia and Johnny having a pizza night together in front of the TV. Her phone beeps. She grabs it in haste – a text from Quinn._

Thanks for my letter. Didn’t see her today. Tomorrow. I love you too.

_She stares at it. So short. She wants so badly to call him, but she knows he’d have phoned her if he wanted to talk. He probably doesn’t have much spare bandwidth right now. She stares a while longer – jumps when it vibrates in her hand with another message._

I think I’m OK.

_She smiles. He’d obviously been staring at his own message, realised it was too curt, wanted to reassure her, but was – as ever – incapable of lying, of telling her he was absolutely fine. So she’d got, instead, this measured, only slightly reassuring PS._

_She types._

I’m glad. We’re watching movies, eating pizza. Missing you. It’ll be OK. xox

_She snaps a quick picture of Johnny, sprawled out on the rug in front of her, staring at the TV, sends it with the message. Such fucking torture that, at such a difficult moment, he’s so far away, both physically and mentally. She longs for him in a way she’d almost forgotten – that longing had been her constant companion for months, many years ago, but had been relegated to the past._

_She slides down from the sofa to the floor._

JULIA - So what’s going on? Come gimme a cuddle, tell me what’s happening.

_Without moving his eyes from the screen, Johnny sits up, talking about the movie, and leans beside her against the sofa, lets her slide her arms round him and snuggle in to rest her head on his._

\----

_It’s barely after 9am when her phone beeps again. She’s at home, not yet set off for a late shift. She snatches up the phone, reads._

It’s done. I’m coming home. I love you.

_She types straight back._

I love you too. Are you OK?

_A reply._

I think so.

_She thinks about calling him, but knows she needs to let him take the lead._

_Her phone beeps again._

Looking forward to seeing you. I missed you.

_She types._

I missed you too. I’m proud of you. Drive safe x

_She sits and stares at the phone for a long time. Relief and anxiety both fluttering around inside of her. Wanting so badly to ask him how it went. What she said, how he coped. How it all unfolded. Knowing that, in the past hour, his world has shifted, somehow, and she doesn't know how. But knowing she must leave him space. Just wanting him back. Safe.  
_

_She picks up the phone._

_For the first time ever, calls work and pretends to be sick._

_Waits for him to come home._


	7. Funny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Started as a bit of an experiment, to see if I could really write a different side of Quinn, one we'd never seen before, without feeling like I'd turned him into a totally different person... and turned into one of my favourite chapters.

_Something’s happened to Quinn. Something Julia’s noticed but would never say it aloud to him. But it makes her so happy._

_He’s become funny again. He always used to make her laugh, way back when. But it was only when that part of him began to come back, after the stroke, that she realised how much she’d missed it. Realised, even, that it had been absent._

_Since he reappeared in their lives, he’s been thoughtful, caring, devoted, but, so much of the time, so terribly serious. She hasn’t exactly minded - his intensity has been pretty damned justified given the relentless parade of challenges he’s faced since he arrived._

_But little by little, his load has lightened. Getting close to Johnny. Meeting Helen. Falling (back) in love. Making peace, a little, with his body. Becoming friends with Steve. Talking about Dar. Deciding he could deal with a baby. And, at last, coming clean with Carrie. So many things. It's like each time one of these things happened, he put down a heavy bag. And now, he's starting to feel positively light._

_In fact, he’s not just being funny in way he was before - his humor had been dry, ironic, cynical back then. Now, for the first time in his life, at times, he is downright silly._

\----

_The bedroom. Afternoon, and Julia, heavily pregnant, is resting on the bed._

_Quinn comes in to see if she’s OK, if she wants anything._

QUINN – Not sleeping?

_He lies down with her to chat._

JULIA – Chance would be a fine thing. She’s tap dancing all over my insides.

_He places his hand on her belly. There it is, a distinct kick._

_He looks up at her, grinning. It’s not the first time, but it was the strongest, by far._

JULIA – Here...

_She lifts his hand off, rolls up her top. There, clearly visible in the skin of her belly, is the shape of a tiny foot, pushing into the skin._

QUINN – Holy shit!

JULIA – I know, right. Look!

_She traces with her fingers._

JULIA – Toes, right here.

_He drops his voice a notch so Johnny, downstairs, can’t hear him._

QUINN – You got a fucking alien inside of you _(He giggles a little)._

_She laughs and hits him, mock-offended._

JULIA – Don’t! It’s not an alien! That’s our daughter!

QUINN – I dunno, you sure we gotta go to the hospital for this? Cos I think this thing might be about to bust straight outta you. Attach itself to my face.

JULIA – God it really feels like it.

_He places his finger on the foot. Taps on the sole._

QUINN – Hey. Girl. You got a front door in this thing, you know. You can get out the main exit, you don’t gotta push your way out through the belly button.

_She laughs, her mock outrage going up a step._

JULIA – Front door? I’m _sorry_?!

_He grins._

QUINN – Hush up. I’m speaking to my daughter. We got an understanding.

_He strokes the foot again. Leans forward and speaks to the baby, as if confidentially._

QUINN – And honestly? This woman who’s looking after you? Your taxi driver for this cushy little ride you’re on? She’s pretty tough. So you gotta behave, OK? You go kicking her about, she’s gonna want a tip when you get here, and I ain’t paying for your misdemeanours. You’re not careful, you’ll be getting no pocket money ‘til high school while you pay off your debts.

JULIA – Hey – you’re the one who put her in here, don’t go shouting at her.

QUINN – Well, I just want her to know who’s boss, that’s all.

JULIA – Ha. You’ll know who’s boss soon enough when she gets here.

QUINN – Oh I know, don’t worry. I’m waaay down here.

_He grins, indicates lowww down with his hand._

JULIA – Oh, you _have_ learnt something. I’m glad.

QUINN – I listen. I don’t look like it, but I listen.

_She reaches up and musses his hair._

JULIA – You better believe it. Your pecking order with a ten-year-old ain’t gonna be nothing on the way this little lady’s gonna have you wound around her little finger.

_He puts his finger back on the baby’s foot. Strokes it._

QUINN – Wind away, baby. Wind away.


	8. A new life

_The baby has just been born. Fresh to the world. Quinn is still a little shocked, astounded by the tiny scrap of a person who was just placed on Julia’s chest in the delivery room, but before he could quite get his head around it, was ushered into a side room while they weighed the baby, took care of Julia._

_He’s standing there, wired and stunned, waiting, when the door opens and a nurse pushes in a small trolley – and he realises the plastic box on top is a crib, and inside is his daughter._

NURSE – Here she is. Come to see Daddy.

_He leans over. A tiny pink face, scrunched up, lots of dark hair, the tiniest hands and fingers he’s ever seen. Green eyes._

_He feels like he can hardly breathe._

NURSE – Such beautiful eyes. Most babies have blue eyes when they’re born, but every now and then, we get a special one.

_He gazes at her, trying to believe that she’s real. Gently places his finger by her hand, and she grasps it. He grins from ear to ear._

NURSE – You wanna hold her? She’ll like it. You guys can get to know each other.

_He looks suddenly up at the nurse, alarmed. Wants some time to learn how to do this. Help from Julia, somewhere private. It’s all very well watching videos, but…_

NURSE – It’s OK. Dads are always nervous. I’ll show you. You’ll be fine.

QUINN – I know. It’s not just…

_He looks awkward._

QUINN – This arm… I can’t… I had a stroke. I can’t use this arm. I don’t know…

NURSE – Oh, I’m sorry. Well, you can still hold her, if I help. Is this arm OK? _(She indicates his right arm)_

QUINN – Yeah. _(He flexes his fingers)_ Does the job.

NURSE – OK. Well, why don’t you take a seat, first of all?

_He does._

NURSE – Now. Bend your arm like this. You can rest it on your lap if you like.

_He does. She scoops up the baby._

NURSE – Now. I’m gonna put her head in the crook of your arm like this… and her tiny little butt in your hand. She fits just about right. Just tilt her in towards you a little, she’ll be quite safe. That feel OK?

_He looks up and grins, then back to the baby._

QUINN – Yeah. _  
_

_The baby looks up at him and blinks, and stares._

_He leans down a little. Whispers to her._

QUINN – Hey. Hello. I’m Daddy.

_And he feels his heart open up wider than he ever knew it could, singing, reaching out to envelop her, every part of him suddenly feeling so alive. Tears spring to his eyes._

QUINN – She’s so beautiful. I love her so much and we only just met.

_He looks to the nurse._

QUINN – Could you.. could I ask you something?

NURSE – Of course.

QUINN – My other hand. Could you help me?

NURSE – Yes, of course. What would you like me to do?

QUINN – Could you just... can I touch her tummy? If you don’t mind… I don’t usually… I just really want to. She’s so precious.

NURSE – Of course. Let’s just try this…

_She pulls back the blanket, exposing Katy’s tiny pink chest and tummy. She’s naked except for her tiny diaper._

NURSE – She still has her cord here, but I think we can do it.

_She reaches down and gently takes Quinn’s left hand and forearm, lifts it, turns his hand palm down, places it on Katy’s torso, smooths his fingers up along her warm skin so they can feel one anothers' touch. He has just enough strength in his shoulder, his upper arm, to hold it in place._

QUINN – Thank you.

_He doesn’t look up, just down on his daughter, now enveloped in his arms._

QUINN – Hey. I love you. Daddy loves you so much.

_And she blinks, and squirms against his warm, heavy hand, and they gaze at one another._

_The nurse watches for a moment, satisfied she’s now surplus to requirements, and goes back out the door._

\----

_An eternity passes. Or a few minutes – he can’t tell._

_The nurse comes back in to him._

NURSE – Now. Do you feel comfortable?

QUINN – Yeah. Great.

NURSE – Think you can stand while you’re holding her?

QUINN – Oh. I dunno.

NURSE – Because I bet Julia would _love_ it if you took Katy in to see her.

QUINN – Oh. Ah…

_He feels a terrifying blankness, a sense that he can’t possibly, doesn’t know how to…_

_But he looks down at her, and realises – he wants nothing more than to walk in to Julia with Katy in his arms._

_And in that moment, it’s like a rod of iron suddenly shoots up through his backbone. He reaches the final destination at the end of the path he started on when he jumped up from the porch to go and search YouTube, go find out how to be a father to this baby: The knowledge that he has to stop shying away from things. Step up. Try everything that comes his way, and only accept failure if it happens - not anticipate it the whole damn time._

_Be stronger, more present, more fearless, more willing to do what needs doing. He’s been given this miracle of another chance, and he can’t afford to waste a single minute of it by waiting around for someone else to reassure him._

_Julia, lying next door, has just been stitched back together after a feat so superhuman he can barely believe he’s just seen it. She deserves better. Deserves not to be the one in charge the entire time. Deserves someone else to take some of the weight, without being asked._

_Quinn, who as a young man who was forced to grow up too much, too soon, suddenly experiences in those first few moments of his daughter’s life, a second coming of age. A new arrival of manhood, of strength, and of responsibility.  
_

QUINN – OK. Sure.

_The nurse gently lifts his left arm off Katy and places it back by his side, wraps her back in the blanket._

NURSE – OK.

 _She places her hand discreetly at his elbow to keep him steady. He stands, gets his balance, holding_ _Katy firmly to him, even tries jiggling her a little, gently, to reassure himself she’s safe and secure. She’s so tiny in his hand and arm, she’s going nowhere._

_He smiles. This is so surreal – it’s all so beautiful and amazing and wonderful, he’s hardly sure it’s actually happening._

_He stands taller than he’s stood in a long, long time._

QUINN – OK, little lady. Let’s go see mommy.

_He looks up, and walks, and carries his baby daughter to the door, as the nurse pulls it open._

\----

_Julia lies in bed. Shattered. Hazy. Sore. Euphoric. Aching for her baby. The door opens and closes for the millionth time and she doesn’t look up at first but then notices that the room has fallen quiet, looks up, and there’s Quinn, walking slowly towards her, holding Katy, tucked in his arm like she was made to fit there.  
_

_She’s hit by a tidal wave of happiness._

_He steps up to the bedside._

QUINN – Here she is – here’s your mom.

_He delivers the baby into her mom’s arms, leans down and kisses Julia's forehead. They both gaze down at her._

QUINN – She’s so beautiful. And you’re amazing.

JULIA – She is.

 _God_ , she looks like you. Doesn’t she?

_She places her hand down to pull the blanket away from Katy’s cheek, to stroke her face with the back of her finger. He smiles, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. She **does** look like him. He feels he belongs somewhere, more than he’s ever belonged anywhere in his life._

JULIA – Hi, Katy. Did Daddy bring you in? Were you guys hanging out?

_The nurse places a stool behind Quinn, and he sits, and leans forward, rests his head beside Julia’s and they start to chat to their new baby girl._


	9. Three days

_Katy is three days old._

_That sense of belonging, of completeness, that hit him in the first hour of her life, hasn’t ebbed away for a moment. He feels as if Katy is a part of him, a corner that had been somehow hidden away and finally revealed, explaining to him at last why he never felt quite right about himself before. Now she’s finally shown up it all makes perfect sense.  
_

_When Steve and Ava and Louis came over to visit, Steve took one look at this mini-Quinn in a onesie and laughed, “Whoah! Chip off the old block!” and it felt exactly right, like she really had been made out of a piece of him._

_And the family just **fits** now. The idea that they were ever a family of three - let alone two - just seems odd. Like her place in it was always there and they just, somehow, inexplicably, hadn’t noticed._

_So they’re home, and living in something of a dream world. Sleeping and waking at strange hours, learning what to do when, feeding, changing – caught up in a whirlwind which has, at the centre of it, a tiny little human who has changed the world._

_A moment of quiet. Stillness. Johnny’s playing out with Louis. The house is a bombsite, stuff everywhere, but Quinn’s just cleaned the kitchen, got things straight in at least one room, which gives him a small sense of accomplishment. Julia’s lying on the sofa with Katy asleep on her chest. Quinn comes in from the kitchen, bends over Julia to look at Katy, strokes her cheek. She wrinkles her nose and they both laugh a little. Julia bends her legs to make space for Quinn at the end of the couch and he sinks down._

_They both sit and enjoy the silence._   


JULIA – How you doing?

_He looks at her. Smiles._

QUINN – Good. How _you_ doing?

JULIA – OK, I think. Hard to believe it’s only been three days.

QUINN – Yeah. Just seems crazy that she wasn’t here last weekend.

_They sit for a moment._

_Then Quinn feels like someone has punched him in the chest._

QUINN – Shit.

_His face crumples, his brow creased._

JULIA – What? You OK?

_He looks round at Julia, looking distraught, winded._

JULIA – What?

_He tries to pull himself together enough to speak._

QUINN – Three days.

_Breathes hard._

QUINN – That’s how long Helen had with me.

_A long, quiet beat._

QUINN – Can you fucking _imagine_? If someone took her now?

JULIA – Oh God.

_It’s too appalling to comprehend._

_He gets up, needs to be closer to them. Stands beside Julia and, grasping the arm of the couch, awkwardly lowers himself down so that he’s sitting on the floor beside them. Leans in to them, Julia puts an arm around his shoulder, hugs him in, places a hand gently on Katy’s back._

JULIA – Nobody’s taking her. We’re all staying right here.

QUINN – I know. I just… poor Helen. I had no idea…

JULIA – Yeah.

_They sit. Thinking. Feeling._

JULIA – They’re coming at the weekend, right?

QUINN – Yeah.

JULIA – Good.

_She squeezes him and he rests his head on her shoulder, eyes on Katy. She glances at him – and senses immediately that he needs his little girl closer in this moment._

JULIA – Here.

_Gently, trying not to wake Katy, she sits up a little. Slides her hands underneath the baby and lifts her across, places her on Quinn’s chest. He raises his arm to hold her._

_She wriggles a little, nuzzles into his neck, warm and cosy and sleepy._

_He turns his head a little to the side and rests his cheek on the top of her head; feels the soft down of her hair against his skin. Places his hand on her back, feels her warmth through her onesie, her chest barely wider than his hand, softly rising and falling. Closes his eyes. Holds her to his heart._

   


\----

   


_The weekend. Quinn opens the front door. It’s Helen and Richard._

QUINN – Hey! You made it OK.   


HELEN – We did - and I don’t hear anything – it’s all quiet?

QUINN – She’s been sleeping, I think she just woke up. Come in.

_Quinn and Helen embrace. Richard reaches into his jacket as he enters, pulls out a cigar, hands it to Quinn._

RICHARD – I don’t even know if you do, but...

QUINN – Thank you, thank you Richard. That’s kind. Come through.

HELEN – We don’t want to wake her up.

QUINN – No, it’s OK, I just put my head in there and she was awake, hold on.

_Julia comes downstairs as Quinn heads off to the spare room._

JULIA – Hey, hello!

HELEN – Julia! Congratulations! How _are_ you? I’m so happy for you.

_Julia and Helen hug._

JULIA – Thank you. I’m good.

HELEN – You look so well!

JULIA – Oh _really_? Not too haggard?!

HELEN – Not at _all_.

_They go into the living room, where Johnny’s playing games on his tablet._

JULIA – Johnny, put that away now, Grammy Helen’s here.

_He puts it down and jumps up._

HELEN – Hello, honey.

JOHNNY – Hi.

_She reaches down and hugs him._

HELEN – So how’s life being a big brother?

_He shrugs._

JOHNNY – It’s OK.

_She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a bag of candy, pretends to hide it as she hands it to him._

HELEN – Shh, don’t tell your mom!

_He grins and rips it open right away, Julia rolling her eyes and smiling and pretending not to see._

_They all sit – just as Quinn appears in the doorway with the pram, Katy lying inside chirping away to herself, kicking the air a little, quiet and content._

_Helen goes to get up again, but Quinn gestures to her._

QUINN – It’s OK, stay there - I’d like to bring her to you.

_He leans way down low over Katy, bends almost double, right down so his chest is almost touching hers. Nervous, concentrating so hard._

QUINN – I’ve been practicing...

_He slides his hand under her, scoops her into his chest and stands. She comes up held to him, his hand supporting her head. She looks so tiny nestled against him._

_Concentrating still, he walks across to Helen, biting his lip, shuffles a little to get his balance, and bends down over her, delivering Katy into her arms. As he bows low -_

QUINN – So, mom – here’s your granddaughter.

HELEN – Oh my goodness, oh my **_goodness_**.

_With one arm she supports the baby, and with the other she grasps Quinn –_

HELEN – Stay here, Johnny, I want you to sit with me.

_He sits right beside her and she grasps his hand, their fingers intertwine, forearms together, both looking down at the tiny face peering up at them._

HELEN – _(Whispers)_ Oh. My. Goodness.

_She sniffs, looks at Quinn, can hardly speak but says softly -_

HELEN – She looks _just_ like you did.

_They both dissolve into tears and laughter together, lean into one another to hug as best they can with all their arms occupied. Look back down at Katy. Helen exhales slowly and deeply - a sigh that releases for good 40 years of pain._

_Across the room, Richard and Julia sit, tears in both their eyes too, but sitting back and letting Quinn and Helen have this moment._

_Then Johnny pipes up…_

JOHNNY – Why is everybody crying?

_..and they all laugh._


	10. Sleep

_And so, the initial euphoria over, the real work begins. Julia has some maternity leave, so they embark together, to begin with, on the task of caring, day in, day out, for their little one._

_Quinn makes good progress with the basic physical skills – slowly, carefully, thoughtfully, changing, washing and dressing her… able now more confidently to pick her up and carry her. A few tasks seemingly just impossible with one hand, some days frustrating, but he’s getting there._

_He’s trying not to think too much yet about the next step, when Julia returns to work and it’s down to him, with Carmen as his backstop, to do this without her. Learning individual tasks is one thing, but the next challenge will be… the whole thing. Remembering what needs done. Feeding her at the right time, getting her changed before she’s tired or hungry, fathoming out what the hell is making her cry now, coping with her fussing without losing his own shit when his fuse can be so short. Keeping track of time and tasks when his executive function and memory are so poor._

_And – now that he’s so determined to step up in his role as a father – balancing his own needs with his those of his family._

_\----_

_Evening. He’s sitting upright on the edge of the sofa. Julia comes in, having just fed Katy and got her back to sleep. She goes to speak to him but realises his eyes are closed, even though he’s sitting bolt upright._

JULIA – John?

_He jumps, opens his eyes._

QUINN – Just closing my eyes.

JULIA – It’s catching up with you.

_He rubs his hand over his face._

QUINN – It’s fine.

JULIA – I think you should go sleep next door tonight.

QUINN – No, it’s fine. You were up all last night, I can get up with her tonight.

JULIA – Johnny. Look at you. You’re shattered.

QUINN – So are you.

JULIA – I don’t have epilepsy.

_He purses his lips a little. That was blunt._

JULIA – You need to take care of yourself.

_She sits down beside him. They’re both exhausted – this might not go well._

QUINN – You did this all single-handed last time. I said I’d be here for you this time. I’m here.

JULIA – Yeah, but you don’t have to do twice as much just because you missed last time. You don’t need to make up for it by being faultless. You have… needs. We can’t ignore them.

_He feels trapped. He’s determined to do right by her, but his body and brain will not be argued with._

_He stares at the floor, completely at a loss. No idea what the right answer is. Both options feel like the wrong answer. Soldier on and get even more exhausted, or walk out the door and leave Julia with the kids._

JULIA – Look. We gotta turn the normal rules upside down or they’re not gonna work for us. I need you to take responsibility for yourself. I know you don’t wanna leave overnight because you think you’ll be letting us down. But letting us down is gonna be if you let yourself get so tired you have a seizure, end up in the hospital. You have to do whatever it takes for that not to happen.

And… I don’t have the energy to be watching out for you, wondering if you’re too tired. I can only look after the kids right now. I _have_ to know that if you’re at risk, you’re gonna act on it yourself, sort yourself out, do whatever it is you need. If that’s twice a week next door, or just going at short notice because it’s 11 at night and you just realised you can’t take another night of this, or… whatever… that’s what you gotta do.

Please.

_He thinks. This is so much less simple than he thought. He’d figured he’d just try harder, all the time, and it would be great. Maybe doing the right thing is listening even when he doesn’t want to, not just manning up bloody-mindedly. But doing the right thing by opting out… fuck, he can’t work it out. Really wants to argue more, but… he is **so** fucking tired. Nods, slowly, despite the fact he actually has no idea whether he agrees or not._

QUINN – OK. Sure. You’re right.

_She rubs his back._

JULIA – Get over there, make the most of it.

_He stands. Bends over to kiss her, still a little glum._

QUINN – Gonna miss you.

JULIA – Oh shuddup, you’ll be asleep in seconds. And as soon as you step out that door, I’m going to bed too, so you won’t miss anything.

_She smiles._

QUINN – Yeah.

_He heads out of the room, to go get his stuff. She calls after him._

JULIA – Love you.

_He stops. Turns and looks back in the door. His face isn’t soft, or romantic, or cute. Just tired, a little grouchy, a little narked. But..._

QUINN – Love you too.

_He manages a smile. And it sparks just enough genuine sentiment in him, that he realises he doesn’t want to leave the house in a bad mood. Goes back for one more kiss._

JULIA – Text me when you’re in bed.

QUINN – Sure

\----

_Each in bed, in neighbouring houses. Weird for Quinn to be back at his place. Not a great feeling, like he’s moving backwards – but the prospect of a full night’s sleep so enticing it balances out the weirdness. His phone beeps – a text. He reads and replies._

JULIA – Sorry I threw you out.

QUINN – You didn’t, you’re right. Just frustrating.

JULIA – I know. You’re doing great.

QUINN – We’re doing OK, aren’t we?

JULIA – We are definitely doing OK. That’s a happy little baby we got. She’s feeding, she’s sleeping… if not for very long. She’s good.

QUINN – :)

_She smirks. She never seen him text a smiley face before._

QUINN – I just tried that out. I don’t think it’s really me, is it?

_She laughs aloud this time._

JULIA – I dunno. I like it.

QUINN – :D

JULIA – Now you’re pushing it.

_He smiles to himself.  
_

QUINN – Love you. Night x

JULIA – Night. Love you. Call me if you need me x

_He pauses. The prospect of having a nightmare alone over here had occurred to him, but he hadn’t wanted to mention it. She’d thought of it too._

QUINN – I will x

_He lies down. Flicks through his phone to his favourite recent photo – the four of them, taken by Helen, all together on the sofa. Stares at it. Zooms in, looks at each of their faces in turn. Back out and looks at the four of them together for a moment. Switches the phone off, puts his head down – and is asleep within moments._

 


	11. Working it out

_And so, Julia returns to work – lighter duties and reduced hours so she can fully recover from the birth and cope with the demands of new parenthood. Carmen steps up to support Quinn on this journey into the unknown. Never one to do things by halves, he reflects. Few years ago, the only thing he knew about kids was how to tape their mouths shut when he needed them quiet. Now he’s not just a dad, but a stay-at-home dad. The number one guy for a boy heading fast towards his teens, and a newborn baby. Fucking hell.  
_

_Carmen had dropped in a few times since Katy’s birth, excited, gooey and doting. But now she turns up ready to work: Practical, skilled, observant and compassionate. It’s like Johnny all over again but with a whole new set of skills to learn. To begin with, she and Quinn team up all day long, side by side, but then she begins withdrawing, pointedly pulling out her book and going into another room, telling him “You got it” and leaving him alone with Katy._

_It’s a challenge. His organisational skills, ability to get muddled, slower learning, fatigue, all making it tougher than it should be to get things straight. Occasionally overhears other parents talking about how hard parenting is and thinks: “You fucking try it with a hole in your brain, then tell me how hard you got it.” But there’s nothing he can do about it, but keep on trying._

 

\----

 

_Katy’s been grouchy and tearful all morning. He can’t seem to do anything right. She’s been fed, she’s been changed, he’s been walking round with her, trying to soothe her, and she’s still upset. He lies her in her cot for a moment, needing to rest his arm and just hoping that might calm her down, but instead she ramps up to fever pitch, a panting, high-pitched, repetitive cry that turns her red in the face, her fists clenched, her legs kicking._

_He looks down at her and suddenly, for the first time in a long time, feels like Peter Quinn. Like a kick-ass spy – but it’s not a good feeling – he feels like the guy who knows absolutely nothing about children and families and diapers and bottles, is completely lost and has no way to deal with this situation but to walk away. He looks down at this little being, screaming up at him, and feels torn asunder. Alienated. It lasts maybe 10 seconds, and then he’s back in the room, back in himself, a desperate dad looking down on his beloved daughter who seems, right in this moment, to hate him with a passion._

QUINN – Baby…

_His arm is exhausted from holding her, and he doesn’t want to pick her up when her little body is tight with tension and fury, so he reaches down and strokes her cheek, tries to soothe her… but it does nothing. Suddenly he finds himself almost crying too, a bubbling hysteria from deep in his belly that catches in his throat, makes his eyes burn hot with tears. He pulls his hand away and realises it’s shaking – hard – and there’s a shuddering, flickering feeling inside of him that makes him struggle for breath. He feels the corners of his vision misting up with black smudges._

QUINN – Oh God…

 _He turns around to walk away, stumbles, grabs the wall, walks out, to the living room where Carmen’s sitting, no longer reading her book but sitting on the edge of the sofa listening, waiting for him to appear._

QUINN – Help me.

_She gets up quietly to walk to the bedroom. Pauses beside him as she walks past, looks him intently in the eye, squeezes his hand._

CARMEN – It’s OK. Go outside.

QUINN – I wanna –

_He points towards the bedroom. Wants to make it right._

_She shakes her head. Can see he’s right on the edge._

CARMEN – No. Go rest up, please.

_He stands and watches her go to the bedroom, hears her talking to Katy._

_A new wave of tears and shaking hits him, he rests his forehead on the doorframe, lets it come and go. Then stands upright again, head hung in utter defeat, walks out to the front step, sits heavily and hates on himself. Listens to Katy crying a few minutes longer, until spells of quiet interupt the noise, and then grow longer, and eventually peace reigns once more. Only after that does he feel as if the shaking inside of him halts, leaving a still, deep darkness.  
_

_He feels like shit. Sits there a long time, staring at the ground._

_Eventually, Carmen comes out, baby monitor in hand, sits down beside him._

CARMEN – She’s gone off. I think she was just exhausted.

QUINN – I was… going. Bad.

CARMEN – I know. But you came to get me.

QUINN – I hate it. When I can’t stop her. Like I’m not enough.

CARMEN – I know. You and every parent ever, I promise you.

QUINN – Should have just hired you to be a full-time nanny, for the duration.

CARMEN – I wouldn’t have accepted.

_He raises his eyebrows._

CARMEN – You won’t ever get this time back, Johnny, that’s the thing. When you look back on Katy being this tiny, you wanna look back on the fact that you cared for her. Not me. So you have to take the lead here. Not just so you can learn, but so you can know you did it, the bad days and the good days. I mean, you _are_ doing it, you’re doing great. And you gotta keep doing it. I’m just here to teach you, and pick up the slack when that brain of yours makes it harder. But not to do it all for you.

_She reaches across and squeezes his hand again._

You have a brain injury, honey. Of course this isn’t gonna be perfect. But you’re doing great. I promise you. You remember how hard it was when you started taking care of Johnny?

_He looks at her, surprised. Thought he’d kept that under wraps._

QUINN – You knew?

_She laughs._

CARMEN – Knew? Of course! You looked terrified. Nobody comes from your background and walks right into parenthood without it being tough. But you were _so_ determined. And you got there. It’ll happen again.

_He squeezes her hand back._

QUINN – Thank you. So much.

CARMEN – Why don’t you go lie down? Before she wakes up. Do some of that breathing, whatever it is you do. Get ready for the next round. I’ll go fold that laundry.

\----

_It takes longer than he’d hoped, but gradually, it gets better. He learns the routines, and his daughter’s cries and expressions, and Katy gets bigger, can go longer between feeds, and it slowly starts to fall into place. To settle. Carmen takes more time out. Goes for a walk so he can get used to being in the house alone with the baby. Then goes to the store, longer trips away, until eventually she’s just popping in here and there throughout the day, available on the phone for questions._

_Finally, she’s down to one visit a day, and that’s for Quinn’s care, not Katy’s. The doctors consider his seizures well-controlled as long as he takes his primidone like clockwork and doesn’t get too tired. The fatigue he’s now taking seriously - two nights a week, every week, he goes next door, and feels like a new man by morning. For the medication, they hatch a plan, now that it’s so crucial that he shouldn’t miss a dose, risk a seizure. Julia watches him take his morning and evening doses. Actually sits down with him and watches him put the pill in his mouth. For his own peace of mind as much as hers – he knows that if Julia is on top of this, he’s on top of it too. Is safe. That just leaves the daytime dose, and so Carmen pops in every day at 2pm. He takes his meds in front of her, knocks back a glass of water, if she has time they sit and have a cup of coffee and she has a cuddle with Katy. It’s a comfortable, reassuring routine, and it works._

\----

_And, gradually, Katy seems to get it too. One day he sees Carmen change her diaper and is amazed to watch Katy kicking and rolling, wriggling and giggling and trying to escape. He’s astonished, because she never does it to him. He has to lay a towel in the cot or pram and change her there - he can’t get down to the floor easily enough to do it there, and anywhere without sides he’s scared she’d fall because he can’t hold her down. But as he’s working, she always lies still for him – and it turns out she doesn’t doesn’t for Carmen. Like she knows he needs a little help to make this work and is prepared to give her daddy a break._

_And, as long as he’s not overly stressed or tense, she eventually starts to calm more quickly for him than anyone else, too. If he’s alone with her and she loses it, he forces himself to take a couple of deep, slow breaths before he goes to her, to be sure he approaches her calmly and steadily. Stoops over her, slides his hand beneath her, lifts her to his chest and stands. Maybe it’s the calm he’s working so hard on, maybe it’s his large, capable hand cradling her head, or the way he holds her, upright, against his chest, her butt nestled into the bend of his elbow, one leg dangling down either side of his arm._

_Whatever it is, more often than not now, once she’s up on his chest, she stops her crying, pauses as if she’s taking stock of where she is right now, then seems to give a tiny sigh and nuzzle her head right into his chest. Some days he almost feels like she’s burrowing into him. But it’s a feeling he loves. The sense she feels like he’s a source of protection and safety and comfort. Something he has mostly taken from others recently, rather than giving himself. After all those nights of clinging to Julia for comfort while his world and his sanity swirled around him, he loves to finally be the strong, reassuring one again. A profound thing for him to be the secure anchor in someone else’s world._

\----

_He’s picked her up, she’s paused, quieted, and started to burrow._

QUINN – Hey, where you going?

_Looks down at her._

_She carries on, snuggling and nuzzling, eyes closing a little._

_He sits slowly down on the sofa, leans back to rest her on his chest, and drops his head to inhale her beautiful baby smell._

QUINN – Mmm.

_Slides his arm out from between her legs now she’s resting on his chest, strokes her back gently._

QUINN – That’s it, beautiful girl. You just calm right down.

_She gradually stops snuggling, and he looks down and sees her hand up, fingers splayed. She always does it – sighs, nuzzles, burrows… and then reaches her arm up and opens her fingers – reaching out for her daddy’s hand. At first it was little more than a reflex, but he noticed it, and started placing his finger there and she’d grasp it, like newborns do. But now, she’s older, it’s deliberate. It’s her routine. She burrows right into him til she’s snuggled in and feeling safe, and then reaches up to hold hands. If he forgets, he sees her hand reaching around, grasping to see where he’s got to._

QUINN – Sorry, baby. Here.

_He places his finger in her hand. She grasps it, curls her fingers round, and starts to drift off to sleep._

_They get each other._

 


	12. A kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think one of the big themes underlying this AU is Quinn's constant task of reconciling his former life with his current one, and I guess this is one of the chapters where that comes up in a real on-the-nose kind of way.

_Early evening. He’s just out of the shower. Didn’t get a chance this morning – babycare overtook him – so now Julia’s back in he’s made a beeline for it. Comes out of the bathroom into the bedroom, towel round his waist, and decides to award himself five minutes lying on the bed, a quick rest. Hears Julia coming up the stairs – she appears in the doorway carrying Katy._

JULIA – Hey, could you take her? Johnny’s trying to show me something in the yard and she’s getting in the way. Sorry, I know you had her all day.

_She’s no longer newborn – not quite crawling yet, but big enough to wriggle, to take an interest, to want to do her own thing. Babbles away – not making words yet, but to nobody’s surprise, daddy’s girl that she is, the nearest she has to a word so far is the syllable Da. Spends her days incanting “Dadadadada.”_

_He smiles._

QUINN – Sure.

JULIA – Thank you.

_Julia hands her over, places her beside Quinn on the bed, and heads out again._

_Katy rolls over, lands with her hands on his bare chest. Looks at him and giggles._

QUINN – Hey. What you laughing at?

_She pretends to look away then looks back again and laughs. They carry on a while, a kind of peekaboo with nothing to hide behind. Then her attention turns to her fingers, splayed on Quinn’s chest. They’re over one of his biggest scars – a New York gunshot wound on the front of his shoulder and chest. Still can’t look at it without a momentary replay of the thud-thud of the two-shot, both bullets whacking him back into his car seat, a weird absence of pain to begin with, just a sense of intense pressure, then the blood soaking his clothes._

_Digs his nails into his palm to bring himself back to the present. Looks down. The deep round pit at the centre surrounded by a larger, ragged circle of damaged flesh. Neater lines, edged by suture marks, threading out of the centre, showing where the surgeons had gone in to clear up the mess._

_She’s fascinated, still learning to control her hands properly but does her best to rub the ridged, uneven flesh with her fingers, and he watches her. She becomes entranced by it, feeling the bumps and ridges, working out the feel and the look of it. He has an urge to brush her away or lift her off – it’s not painful, just a little sensitive – but mentally sensitive too. Those tiny innocent fingers playing happily at the site of something so degraded, so grim, so personal._

_But he stops himself from interrupting her. Has learned, gradually, that pushing at the edges of his comfort zone usually makes him happier in the long run. Nudging at those uncomfortable limits to make his acceptable world larger. Allowing the sources of light in his life to overcome the sources of darkness._

_And so he watches her play, smiling and babbling to herself, nubbing her tiny sharp fingernails into his bullet wound. A fucking bullet wound… and a baby… should he be letting her? What if the darkness infects the light this time? Screws her up? He breathes. Looks at the ceiling. Breathes. She’s doing it. She’s fine. Let her be._

_And then, he feels sudden wetness on his skin, skips a breath, thinks it’s a flashback again, the blood soaking him, looks down, and sees it’s Katy. She’s leaned down over him and is kissing his chest, his scars, a clumsy, wide open-mouthed baby kiss, slavers running between her mouth and his chest, bobbing up and down and watching his face in between with a smile, kissing him again and again. He feels his chest flood with relief that this is real, not a flashback, manages to smile back, but shaken enough he has to search for words for a moment._

QUINN – Oh. Oh.

You k-k-kissing me better?

_She bobs down again, and this time stays there. Drools a little more. Rolls on her side and rests her head on him._

_Digs his nails into his palm again for a moment, makes himself feel the weight of her head on his chest, licks his lips and tastes a faint remnant of shower gel. Anchors himself. Hears Johnny and Julia laughing in the yard outside and feels cheered._

_Allows himself a hint of satisfaction that he’s seen off the grey waves lapping at the shores of his mind._

_He strokes her head. Looks up at the ceiling. Breathes._


	13. Scenes from a fatherhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work has ended up much longer than I ever expected! I thought it was probably becoming time to wrap up all the little (and one not-so-little) bits I still had knocking about into one package of Scenes. After this, there's one more chapter that's meant to be the Work finale - and then another super-cute Christmas special to come. Then in 2019 I'll turn back to the main Scenes fic!

**_1\. A bump_ **

_Quinn has been limping around the lounge, jiggling Katy on his chest, his left leg singing with post-stroke pain. Trying to keep the weight off it as much as possible, he finds himself leaning into the wall with his right side, keeping up a constant stream of babbling to Katy. Thinking only about his body and his baby, doesn’t realise how weird he looks, leaning up there, until Carmen walks in and finds him there, pressing his right shoulder into the wall, left foot lifted a little off the ground, shoogling the baby as best he can, talking nonsense to her._

QUINN – Yeah, you’re my favorite baby. Yup. Most beautiful, most smart, most adorable. Know what I mean? Top baby. You know you got a cop and a spy for a mom and dad, right? Top baby in the world. Nobody gonna mess with you, little girl. Sshhh ssssh. Top baby, that’s you.

CARMEN – You OK?

_He looks up, surprised._

CARMEN – Holding up the wall?

QUINN – Oh. Just sore. This side.

CARMEN – Oh, Johnny.

QUINN – It’s fine. Happens

_She looks at him for a moment. Shakes her head and laughs._

CARMEN – Whatever works! Want me to take her for a bit?

QUINN – No, we’re good, thanks.

_As he speaks, Katy drops a few inches to the side and clonks against the wall – not hard, but it makes a noise - and looks up at him with an expression of such comical surprise that he and Carmen both burst out laughing…_

QUINN – Oh…! I’m sorry!

_And then Katy sees them laughing and bursts into tears._

QUINN – Oh, hey hey, OK, go to Carmen, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, honey.

_He hands her over, and as Carmen takes her, he leans down and kisses the side of her head where it tapped the wall, snuggles her with his face, both of them still smiling at the baby’s total surprise and bafflement, Quinn also mortified to have let her slip, made her cry._

QUINN – Oh, baby, I’m _sorry_. I’m sorry.

_He hops, trying to get his balance on his sore leg, and jostles her a little again._

QUINN – Oh, Jees…

CARMEN – Oh, Johnny! Sit down, get that leg up, and rest it!

_He strokes Katy’s cheek._

QUINN – Is your dad a klutz? Huh?

_Kisses her once more._

QUINN – I’m sorry.

_He limps over to the sofa and lowers himself down, exhales heavily.  
_

\----

_**2\. Rapt** _

_Katy’s lying in her cot. Sleeping. Making soft noises, the sound of her breath, the odd squeak, like she’s dreaming. He’s past the stage of wanting to watch her to make sure she’s still breathing, but still at the stage he finds himself just wanting to gaze at her in awe. Not every time she sleeps – often he’s more than ready to just go lie down himself by the time she goes off. But on the days when he’s slept next door the night before, he has the energy to be delighted by her. Can’t believe she’s real. That she’s his._

_Even more miraculous, that she’s made out of him and the woman he loves most in the world. Knows the same is true of Johnny, but seeing it all happen day by day is a new kind of magic._

_Today, he’s so smitten that he goes into the kitchen and gets a stool. Puts it by the cot and sits down. Gazes at her._

\----

_**3\. Gatecrasher** _

_A knock at Steve’s door. He knows who it is. It’s Friday night. His night out – or in - with his buddy Johnny. He never succeeded in persuading Quinn to join his monthly poker game – his foggy memory and cognitive challenges just made him too cagey to expose himself. But the other Fridays in the month the two of them hang out, share a few beers. Sometimes go to a bar but sometimes one of them has the kids at home and Ava or Julia is out, so then they have a couple of beers at home._

_Tonight Ava’s out with friends, so Quinn’s heading over there._

_Steve opens the door._

_It’s Quinn. And, tucked underneath his arm, feet out the back and head towards the door, Katy, wriggling and giggling._

STEVE – Oh! Hey.

QUINN – I have a passenger. Sorry.

STEVE – Oh, hey Katy…shall I take her?

QUINN – Sure… thanks.

_He lifts Katy’s from under Quinn’s arm, they step inside._

QUINN – She would _not_ go to sleep. Julia was going out of her mind trying to get her off. I tried taking her out to walk her round the yard and she liked it. Been home all day, guess she was bored. So I said I’d just bring her over. Seemed easier. She’ll wear herself out soon, then I’ll call Julia to come pick her up. That OK?

STEVE – Course it is. You come for a beer, you little troublemaker? In the mood to party?

_She reaches up and splats her hand right on his face._

STEVE – Oof! Come through. You drunk already, little lady?

QUINN – Sorry, I didn’t even bring beers, no spare hands.

STEVE – Not a problem, I have some. Take a seat.

_Quinn sits and Steve hands him Katy, then heads to the fridge._

 

**_4\. Babywearing _ **

_He’s at the mall with Katy in the stroller, doing errands. Just went and fed her in the mall’s parent and baby room and had one of the occasional, awkward enounters he gets in these places. Has worked out how to hold her in his lap in the right position to keep her safe and hold the bottle with his right hand, but he knows it looks weird._

_People – usually moms who come in to feed – stare at him. He’s a guy in what feels like their space, and it looks to them as if he has the baby casually laid out on his lap, his left hand carelessly at his side, making no effort, taking not enough care. He always wants to explain everything to them but also wishes they’d just mind their own business._

_And today he copped a real glare from a mom who came in. Actually stopped, stared at him, rolled her eyes and left._

\----

_As he’s walking back through the mall, he walks past a huge baby store. Went in with Julia when they bought the big stuff, a cot, a stroller, but he’s not been back in a while. This time, feeling like he wants to assert his right to be in baby spaces, he turns sharp right and in they go._

_He’s browsing, looking at everything he passes with the kind of expert eye he once reserved for gun stores._

ASSISTANT – Hello, sir, anything I can help you with?

QUINN – Oh. Just browsing, thank you.

ASSISTANT – Of course. She’s beautiful.

QUINN – Thank you. _I_ think so.

ASSISTANT – Is your daddy taking you out today? Yes! Who’s a lucky girl?

Well, if there’s anything I can help you with…

_He looks thoughtful for a moment. He’s feeling bold. He’s still kind of pissy about the encounter in the baby room. Feels entitled to push someone’s buttons._

QUINN – You got a special needs section?

_She looks caught off guard, glances back to Katy, momentarily mortified, wondering what’s wrong with her, then back up to him._

QUINN – For me.

_He taps his left arm._

QUINN – I had a stroke, can’t use this arm. You got anything I might find useful?

_She’s overwhelmed with relief._

ASSISTANT – Oh! Oh, I see. I’m sorry.

_And then she lapses into intense thought, relishing the challenge._

ASSISTANT – Well… let me think… do you babywear at all?

QUINN – Do I…? Sorry?

ASSISTANT – Babywear? Put her in a sling, carry her against you?

QUINN – No. We tried one of those pouch things, but… needs too many hands. Can’t do it by myself.

ASSISTANT – Have you ever tried a sling? I think it might work for you. We could try…

QUINN – Ah… OK, show me.

_She leads him over to a display, takes down a long, wide loop of fabric with padding along part of its length, then turns to a nearby counter, where she stretches it out._

ASSISTANT – So. You place the baby in the sling here… just place the loop over your head like this… and then stand up, and she’s right in there. You wanna try?

QUINN – Huh. OK. Hold on.

_He bends down to Katy, releases the straps on the stroller, slides his arm underneath her and lifts her to him._

_She grins at him, impressed and trying not to blush. He’s hot, and a hot man who’s an expert with a baby is hotness squared._

ASSISTANT – So… lie her in here, if you can.

_He bends down, places her on the counter, on top of the widest part of the sling._

ASSISTANT – That’s it.

_She reaches down, pulls the edges of the cloth wide around Katy, then takes hold of the padded part._

ASSISTANT – Now. Put your good arm through here, and get your head through too, if you can.

_It takes a couple of goes, but he gets through._

ASSISTANT – That’s right. Now… let me just make sure she’s in OK, looking good… just stand up.

_He does, and Katy comes with him, lying in the sling on his chest. There she is, snuggly wrapped, looking up at him a little wide-eyed._

QUINN – Oh, cool.

There you are! Hey – can you see me?

_She can. She smiles._

Huh. This is pretty awesome. I could feed her with this.

ASSISTANT – Oh, sure, if she likes it, you could.

QUINN – She’s pretty adaptable.

_He looks back at Katy, who's happy as all get-out to be lying there all cosy, looking up at her dad._

QUINN – I’ll take two. She’s bound to puke on one of them.

ASSISTANT – Of course! You wanna wear that one?

QUINN – Ah… I dunno. Might not get her off again at the car, I’ll try it at home.

ASSISTANT – Sure thing.

_She goes off to fetch him a second sling._

_He reaches up to Katy and squidges her pudgy little cheeks together between his thumb and forefinger. It’s the first time he’s ever had a spare hand to touch her while carrying her, first time he can really look at her face while he holds her. Squeezes her cheeks again, grins at the comic effect. Can’t resist her. Brushes her cheek with the back of his fingers, runs his fingers gently over her soft hair. Carrying **and** touching. So cool._

_\----  
_

_Julia comes in from work, on her way in she glimpsed Quinn through the kitchen window, heads straight there. He has his back to the door, the radio’s on, he’s not heard her come in. She stands in the doorway for a moment. He’s… dancing, looking down, singing along, talking. She can’t quite work out what’s going on._

QUINN – Yeah. We got the moves, right? You liking this? We got the moves.

JULIA – You OK?

_He looks over his shoulder suddenly, surprised, spins round as quickly as he can without falling over._

_He’s got Katy in the sling. There she is, snugly wrapped, hanging on his front.  
_

QUINN – Just dancing with my daughter!

_He beams from ear to ear, amused at being caught out, and delighted at the fun he's having._

JULIA – Oh my gosh! This is so cool! Where did you get this?

QUINN – Babyworld. In the mall. Good, huh?

JULIA – Hey, Katy! You dancing with your daddy?

It’s awesome!

QUINN – No tired arm, can hold her for longer. Not perfect, kind of pulls on my bad shoulder a little, but I can see her when I carry her and…. _(he reaches up and squidges her cheeks again with his thumb and forefinger, smiles at her little face, doesn’t think he’ll ever tire of this)_ I can squidge her little cheeks much as I goddamn like. It's so awesome I got two.

JULIA - Two?! How you gonna wear two?!

QUINN - I dunno. You wanna have another?

JULIA - Oh, easy now, partner. Let's just get this one to her first birthday in one piece, please, before you start that kind of talk.

_She leans over Katy, kisses him, stays in front of his face. They smile at each other. Kiss again._


	14. In the deep of the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is written to be the Finale of Operation Baby - though in fact I also have a Christmas special to come, which is super-cute, and which I'll post sometime between now and Christmas!

_The middle of the night. There’s quiet. Katy’s asleep downstairs. They’ve ended up with two double beds and two cots – one of each in their own bedroom upstairs and one in the spare room downstairs. Gives them the maximum possibilities when it comes to getting space, getting sleep, having different options for everyone’s needs. They switch and swap around as they feel right, as well as Quinn heading next door to sleep twice a week. Having Katy downstairs means she’s a long way away, they have to go right down for her when she wakes, but it means whoever’s not going down to her has more chance to sleep. And, they hope, should Quinn have a nightmare, it’ll be less likely to wake her. It’s been a while._

_But tonight’s the night._

_He starts to twitch. Moans, repeatedly, getting more urgent and louder, enough that Julia wakes. She’s exhausted, hasn’t been asleep for long, and she can hardly bring herself to sit up, but even half-asleep she knows this won’t go away on its own. Hauls herself up, round, just as Quinn unleashes his first scream. Blood curdling from the start, his arm is stretched out straight down his side, elbow locked, hand twisted up, fingers rigid and spidering, body shaking and shuddering as he screams and gasps and screams and gasps. Julia does her usual, scoops her arms under his armpits, up under his shoulders, but his hips are rigid, he won’t bend, she can’t lift him. She’s so exhausted she drops him the few inches to the pillow in despair for a moment. Reaches over to put the lamp on. One look at his terrified face renews her effort, she leans right down over him, places her hands on his cheeks._

JULIA – Johnny?

_No sooner does she speak, than she hears Katy start to cry downstairs. Oh Jesus._

_Keeps talking to Quinn, stroking and rubbing his cheeks, his chest, his forehead, and at the same time hearing Katy rising to a frenzy downstairs but she can’t leave him like this. Talks and talks and strokes his forehead until he lies still for a moment, eyes wild, panting._

JULIA – Hey.

_He looks right at her. She places her hands on his cheeks._

JULIA – It’s me, Julia. You’re at home.

_He stares. Sweat all over his face, his muscles pulsing beneath her fingertips._

JULIA – It’s OK. You’re safe. It’s a dream.

_He breathes, and breathes. She strokes her thumbs on his cheeks._

_He blinks. Takes a bigger breath. Blinks and shakes his head gently. A tiny cry spills out of his mouth, a couple more panting breaths._

_Julia sits back over his hips, places her hands gently on his chest._

_He breathes out deliberately. In, then out through pursed lips._

QUINN – Fuck.

JULIA – I couldn’t lift you up. Sorry. You were stiff.

_He nods._

QUINN – Thanks.

JULIA – OK.

_She strokes his chest._

JULIA – OK?

_He nods._

_He lifts an arm for her to help him up, she does, and they hug. Hold on. Pull a little apart, face to face, and she gives him a brief kiss._

QUINN – Sorry. You’re tired.

_She shakes her head a little._

JULIA – It’s OK.

_She suddenly thinks. Looks round._

JULIA – Katy was crying… guess she’s stopped.

QUINN – You can go.

JULIA – You sure?

QUINN – Yeah.

_She kisses him lightly, brushes his fringe gently off his forehead, looks him in the eye a moment, then climbs off him, off the bed._

QUINN – Put the big light on?

_She does. Looks round at him for a moment, wanting to be sure he’s good to be left. He’s looking around the room, letting the light wash into all the dark corners that just a moment ago hid unimaginable horrors._

_She steps out of the room. Sticks her head into Johnny’s bedroom – and he’s not there. She steps back out, wondering whether to call out… listens… she can hear something downstairs._

_Goes down, to the bottom of the stairs… to Katy’s room, to the door, looks around – and there’s Johnny, holding Katy in his arms, kissing her cheek, bouncing her gently up and down, talking to her, smiling at her. Her face pink, tearstained, but surprised into silence by this night visitor._

_Julia stands a moment, watching him._

_She steps in._

JULIA – Johnny…

_He looks around._

JOHNNY – She’s OK. Is Dad OK?

_She puts an arm around him._

JULIA – He is, honey. Thank you.

_She kisses the top of his head._

JULIA – You’re such a good boy. You didn’t have to get up.

JOHNNY – It’s OK. I like cuddling her. She was upset.

_They stand together a while, making a little baby talk with Katy, and eventually hear Quinn, slowly, steadily, making his way down the stairs._

JULIA – In here.

_He appears, stands leaning on the door frame, looking a little wild and shattered, regarding the scene in front of him._

QUINN – Am I missing a party?

_Julia extends an arm to him and he comes in, sidles in to her side._

JOHNNY – You OK?

QUINN – Yeah. I’m good. Thank you. And thanks for looking after her.

_They all stand together, eyes drawn to Katy’s little face, all taking a moment, then Quinn, weary, sits on edge of the bed. Julia sits next to him, lifts her arms and takes Katy from Johnny, and Johnny steps up, puts his arms round Quinn. A little while longer passes._

QUINN – I might just lie down right here.

JULIA – You can.

_He throws back the cover, lies back, pulls himself up to the pillow, pulls the cover back over. Johnny follows him, climbs under with him, snuggles his back into Quinn’s tummy. Quinn rests his chin on Johnny’s head. Johnny reaches for Quinn’s left arm and wraps it round him, strokes the back of his hand._

_Julia places Katy in her cot, and slides the cot right over to the side of the bed. Puts the side of it down – it’s designed to allow co-sleeping._

JULIA – Scoot over.

_The boys move back across the bed, Julia climbs in too. Katy, fascinated by all of this, lies wide awake watching them, and Julia reaches out an arm, touches her hand._

_They all snuggle a while._

QUINN – Sorry guys.

JOHNNY – What for?

QUINN – Waking you up. I’m lucky to have you.

JOHNNY – That’s silly.

QUINN – Why?

JOHNNY – Me and mom are the lucky ones.

QUINN – What?

JOHNNY – Cos we’re not upset.

That means we’re the lucky ones, that’s why we get to help you and Katy. And make you happy like us again.

_Quinn leans down and kisses Johnny on the head._

JULIA – I think we’re all pretty lucky.

_Johnny pulls the cover up under his chin, snuggles his dad’s arm._

JOHNNY – We’re the best family _ever_.

_Julia and Quinn laugh a moment. Jesus, hardly._

_And they all, slowly, drift off to sleep. First Quinn, deeply exhausted as the last of the adrenaline leaves his system. Then Johnny, so secure and happy to be snuggled between both parents. Then Katy, drifting lightly off, fingers round her mom’s hand. And last of all, exhausted, relieved, and ever so slightly astonished by the life she now has, in the middle of this perfectly imperfect family, Julia._


	15. Katy's First Christmas

_Christmas morning._

_Quinn half wakes, strokes his leg gently against Julia’s, easing himself into the day. Rolls over towards her and kisses her gently. Whispers._

QUINN - Morning.

_She stirs._

JULIA – Mmmm.

_Stretches. Opens her eyes._

JULIA – Morning.

_They lie still together a moment longer. A Christmas miracle - they're awake before Johnny has come bouncing in with his stocking, though they can hear sounds from his bedroom._

_Quinn slides his arm up under Julia’s top, around her waist. Pulls her in, curls his hips upwards and holds himself tight against her. Smirks a little._

QUINN – Merry Christmas.

_She feels him against her._

JULIA – Oh!

_She grinds back a little against him, smiles knowingly back, speaks softly.  
_

JULIA – Merry Christmas to you too, Santa! What’s that you’ve got me?

_He grins. They kiss again, breaths deepening and slowing, Quinn stroking his hand up and down her back. She pulls away just a fraction, looks for a moment over her shoulder, then back to him, lifts a finger to stroke his lips._

JULIA – He’ll be in here any minute.

_He smiles_

QUINN – We should be quick, then…

_He hooks his leg around her and pulls her even closer, harder, towards him. They smile, kiss…_

_….and the door flies open, Johnny’s at the door, stocking in hand.  
_

_They drop away from each other, both grinning, doing their best to act natural, though as Julia rolls over to face Johnny, Quinn reaches under the covers, under her clothes and cups her butt in his hand for a moment, tickles the very top of her thigh, daring her to keep a straight face, which she does, just._

JULIA – Hey, honey! Merry Christmas!

_And so Quinn retreives his hand, takes a heavy breath and scoots back across the bed as Johnny jumps on top of the covers between them. Julia fetches Katy and brings her into bed too, Christmas stockings are unwrapped together, laughing, joking. Eventually, resolutely back in family mode, stockings opened, mess everywhere, Quinn gets out of bed, then leans down and picks up Katy._

JULIA – Where you going?

QUINN – Me and Katy got a surprise for you. Wait here.

_Julia looks excitedly at Johnny._

_He carries the baby downstairs, Julia and Johnny start playing with the bits and pieces from their stockings. Dad and daughter are gone a while, but eventually Julia and Johnny hear them coming back upstairs again. Look up, expectantly._

_Quinn looks around the edge of the doorframe… and then, slowly, comically, moves Katy into view too._

_She’s wearing a furry, caramel coloured onesie. Hood up. Antlers on the top. A pair of huge eyes on the top of the hood and a big red nose on the front. Quinn sounds quizzical._

QUINN – I found a _reindeer_ outside.

JULIA – Oh my Gooooddddddd!!!!!! Katy!!!!!!!! You are so cuuuuuute!

_Katy has no idea what she’s wearing, but she loves the excitement, starts to giggle and jiggle up and down.  
_

_Quinn comes in, puts her on the bed._

QUINN – I guess she just got lost, I dunno.

You think we should keep her?

_Johnny and Julia both laughing, Johnny reaches up and boops her on the red nose._

QUINN – Or maybe we should report her to Santa, she should probably be working. What d’you think?

JOHNNY – Keep her! Let’s keep her!

_Johnny wraps his arms around her, pulls her down onto the bed to lie down next to him and snuggles her like a teddy bear._

JOHNNY – She’s soooo soft! Katy Boo, I love yoooou.

_Katy’s still giggling, she loves her brother so much, any attention from him is like sunshine to her._

QUINN – She seems kind of young for a working reindeer, guess it’s her first year on the job. Must’ve been going too slow, got left behind.

_Quinn and Julia lie down, kiss above the heads of the kids in between them. Rest their heads together and wonder how many moments they can get, chilling here on the pillow, before Johnny leaps up again._

\----

_Downstairs, mid-morning. Helen and Richard have come over from next door, where they stayed last night. They’ve all had breakfast, opened their gifts. Suddenly Quinn thinks of something._

QUINN – Hey, Johnny, hold your sister in front of the tree. I wanna take a photo.

_Johnny scoots over, sits in front of the tree, pulls Katy onto his lap, snuggles his chin over her furry little shoulder. Quinn takes a big picture with the tree, then zooms in, just the kids, with Katy in all her reindeer-y glory._

_Sits back on the sofa and grins at the photo. Sets it as his wallpaper. Starts tapping. Attaches the photo to a text._

> Hey, Carmen! Merry Christmas! How’s Florida? We found this little reindeer outside the house. Think we’ll keep her. Hope you’re having a good day, love from all of us.

_And another, to Anita, doing an early shift at the old folks’ home before she comes over._

> Hey, Grammy Neets! You’d better get over here quickly, or this little reindeer we found is gonna eat all your dinner! See you soon – Jx

_Pauses for a moment and thinks…he cannot get over how cute this photo is. It should be seen by everybody on the planet. He’s not one for facebook, so there’s only one thing for it. Attaches it to a third:_

> Hey Max. Cuteness overload here. Hope you guys are good. Merry Christmas!

_And finally…_

> Hey, Carrie – Merry Christmas! Hope you guys are having as much fun as we are. Love to Franny from our happy little reindeer and her big brother (and her mom and dad).

_Pauses for a moment, thumb hovering… then decides:_

> Qx

_Sends, with a smile. Jesus. Was he ever that guy in the VA[that Christmas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12913665)? Darkest December 25 th of his life, shuffling around the building alone most of the day, finally coming across the carol singers in the lobby and feeling his spirits lift just a little as he listened to the music… then opening his eyes to see Carrie beside him in the blue scarf he’d bought her and feeling utterly overwhelmed._

_His train of thought is interrupted - Johnny is up off the floor, wants to play with his toys so lifts Katy, who’s starting to get a little grizzly, and dumps her on Quinn’s lap out of the way._

_Quinn leans back on the sofa cushions, pulls Katy up onto his chest, rubs his face into her furry little hood, and as she bends up her arm, just like always, he puts his hand down to hold hers. Snuggles his cuddly little reindeer and feels very, very grateful._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Operation Baby draws to a close here, but don't worry! You can pick up again with the continued Scenes from the Shore, following right on from where this spin-off diverted, with [Chapter 17, Two Worlds](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14504904/chapters/42582998)


End file.
